does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
