So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
