Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
