Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
a search helicopter?!
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
