Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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