i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
