Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
