I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
