puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
What a dumb baby whore.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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