I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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