mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
They have beer where we have blood.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
