Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
