got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
