is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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