im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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