god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Randomize
