Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
