Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
