the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
