I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
