remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
