I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
