I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
