Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
