I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
