I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
