Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
