Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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