I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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