So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
