i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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