the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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