i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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