I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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