I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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