I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
