i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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