just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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