I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
