First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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