I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
