Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
