It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
