Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
If I had your ass I would rule the world
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
