and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
