Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
