If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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