So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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