why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I currently don't understand fingers.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
