by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
