u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
