Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize