if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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