I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
