My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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