I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
