Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
