I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
