He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
