So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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