When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
