She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
