I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize