I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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