im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You ruined the universe
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
