Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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