Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
