Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
