Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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