I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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