They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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