It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
