saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
