i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
