i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
