the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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